It's Christmas, and I Want to Give You a Gift
The Disenchantment and a Fresh Look at December
Everyone seems completely immersed in the Christmas celebrations. People ask me about dinner, about gifts, about plans... and yet, I feel like a stranger at these festivities. This has been the case for several years. Curiously, I realized I’m not the only one, and I won’t deny my satisfaction in knowing that. I can look in the mirror and recognize that I’m not all that "weird."
For a long time, I was a secret "Grinch." I was annoyed by the repetition: Another year of carols, I would tell myself, the cheesy clothes, the same old Christmas plays, a whole month where people try too hard to be "good." At one point, all of this brought me great joy; I was excited about the parties, the theater, I even did set design—I always loved that part. But one day I noticed it had lost its flavor. I don’t recall exactly when the weariness set in, I just know that one day I told myself: “I’m not interested in hope, I’m not interested in December, this is for others, not for me.” Can you read the bitterness and maybe the pain in that sentence? You wouldn’t be wrong.
The Talk That Made Me See Everything Clearly
Just today, I was chatting with a highly esteemed coworker, who is over 77 years old. I asked him, just to make conversation, "What are you planning for dinner?" I love food; I love seeing the dishes; it fascinates me how such a necessary ritual can be something so fun and pleasurable. To my astonishment, he replied, "Katy, we haven't done anything for many years now." I couldn't hide my surprised face. Inside, I thought: What happened? Why would someone so nice, who has faced adversity and has such a stable family, not celebrate Christmas? Without me asking further, he started telling me how his family let go of the celebration.
That conversation stayed with me on the way home. I’ve spent so many years judging myself for wanting to be alone at home, or for the joy I felt waking up on the beach when I lived in Ensenada, enjoying a few miles of walking, coming out of the ocean happy and content, with that feeling of “I’ve conquered the world”... and all this during a Christmas December! I must have photos and videos of that somewhere; I hope to find and post them. Very occasionally, my mind fantasized about being invited to a gathering, but that idea only lasted five minutes. Then, I would return to my landscape, where I’d see a seal playing, oblivious to all the celebration. 🌊
Christmas: The Power to Correct the Experience ✨
I get that Christmas is similar to the experience of having grown up Catholic and not celebrating the Jewish holidays. The thing is, this is a pretty global, popular celebration.
I want to tell you something simple: If you’re someone who doesn’t have a favorable or friendly family situation, or you’re alone like me, and you don’t have kids, or you’ve experienced a loss (not just a loved one, but maybe you lost a project), or you just feel like you’re ending the year having missed your goals, as if it were a failure... I just want to remind you that everything changes. We have the power to change this experience.
I'm aware of how painful and bitter these holidays can be. I've had disappointments—the kind that feel like someone threw you into cold water with your best hairdo.
I think one of the things I always mention about riding my bike is the stillness, my rhythm, my space. And that's how I like Christmas. If I ever have the chance to hang out, I’ll enjoy it, but I will always return to my workshop, to my drawings. If I’m in a city that allows me to swim, I’ll do it, and I’ll keep riding my bike. I do all this not from bitterness, but from accepting my reality in these circumstances and looking at my life with gratitude. We don't have a choice! Embracing suffering is not the best option.
This is seeing reality: Enjoy where you are, make peace with what’s happening. We can’t change the world (we aren’t Dr. Strange), but, I’ll repeat it again, everything changes. I’m sure that one day I'll be at a party too (I don’t think I’ll last more than two or three hours), I’ll be present, I’ll have fun, chat, take pictures that will become my Polaroid moments, and then I’ll return to the life I’m building.
Finding Sanctuary Within Myself 🧘♀️
Before, I would look at the calendar throughout the year, and by the time November arrived, I’d fall apart. In past years, all the memories of moments of loneliness and betrayal would flood in. I would cry, if I was lucky, and I’d start looking for ways to escape: "How can I stay busy? What can I do to be unavailable and exhausted?" I looked for excuses, but my dreams and the experiences I hoped to have (a family I never had, that birthday where I’d be loved at sunrise, the grocery shopping to prepare dinner, the watercolor cards I’d give away) were always present, like the wind in my thoughts.
I can still look at my life and I’m surprised by everything that happened and didn’t happen, but today I look at my decisions with love, respect, and acceptance. Christmas is like a birthday, or like a Mexican carne asada (BBQ) you don’t want to go to (mmm, well, it’s actually very rare for anyone not to want to go to a Mexican carne asada, they’re epic! But back to the point!), how many times have we said no to a gathering?
You might say, "Katy, have you seen that half the world is happy and celebrating? I can’t hide!" I'll tell you something: I’ve done a 180-degree turn and then another 180 degrees, or 90 (whatever number feels like the opposite or a contrast to you). I’ve changed my beliefs, my life, and how I see it. It was because I was FED UP (in capital letters) with crying and suffering in silence. I took responsibility for my life experience. I didn’t want to live my birthday waiting anymore. I had always created pleasant moments, but I yearned for more. Who can change the world? Not you and me. Can you change the way you see your life? The answer is always yes, and believe me, the process is worth it.
Don't live a December feeling bitter or in pain. If anything, let it be as they say: live the emotion and release it. Breathe and fill that space with love, hope, and faith. Don't be a puppet to the lies we tell ourselves daily; be an active witness to your life.
Focus on Abundance 💫**
Today, I’m so focused on creating the abundance that will lead me back to living in a place where I can swim, ride my bike, kayak, and much more. All of this can be achieved, and is achieved, from the inside out.
I might sound a little weird, but "as above, so below": dare to look in the mirror and look at yourself with love and hope! Of course we can change our perception of what’s happening. Let it go. Those two people who told me why they don't celebrate Christmas are so opposite, so different, but they both chose to find peace and create their own reality.
I think it's worth a shot.
